The Self I'd Lost
by MJTR
Summary: After the great battle for humanity, a young amnesiac comes face to face with the past she thought she had lost forever. But does that mean she has to give up the new life she found?
1. Chapter 1

The Self I'd Lost

A Xenoblade Chronicles X Fan Fiction by MJTR

[[Xenoblade Chronicles X and all related concepts are the property of Nintendo and Monolith Soft.

A few quick words about intent here-

Though "Cross" is labeled as one of the lead characters, the Cross presented is the character I created and played through all of X with, who I named Aina. You can see her as she was all throughout the game in the story's main image. This is largely meant to follow X's story from beginning to end, with the exception of a few liberties taken to keep Aina a more dynamic character than the more plain Cross.

This is set after the end of the main campaign and contains references to the game's ending. As someone who managed to beat this game blind, I'd urge you to not look into this until you finish it.]]

I've heard it said, time and again, that we all left everything behind when we ran from Earth into the unknown of space. Friends, family, heritage, even our physical bodies, as I'm under strict wraps to not tell anyone, gone in the raging inferno of a war we thought we had nothing to do with.

Still, it has been my observation that we didn't all come to Mira quite so empty handed. Many families were still together, members of the military retained their ranks, and everyone brought with them the memories of all that was left behind.

Nearly everyone, anyway.

When I first stepped out of the pod, hearing Elma's voice, being hit by the rains of Mira for the first time, not even knowing my very skin and bone were synthetic, I couldn't remember anything, even my own name. Elma called me "Rook" or "Rookie" the entire way back to NLA, and it was Lin who suggested we should call me, "Aina" as a placeholder. It's a Japanese word, meaning, "luscious greens," I think she said. In the mind of Lin, there is only machinery and food, but I've always been fine with it, I think it suits me.

My hair is mostly cropped short, longer in front than in back. The body is a minty green but my tips are blonde, and it's probably where Lin got the idea for my name. Even apart from my hair, my mim isn't exactly the most inconspicuous- my eyes are a deep red, a scar runs on both sides of my nose, the one on my left I'm usually able to cover up with my bangs a little, at least. And a white mark, like a tattoo or a branding or something, coming up the left side of my face. Elma said it looked like a modified version of the logo for Anderson Android Solutions, one of the many companies responsible for making the mims, but that she wasn't sure why it was designed the way it was or how it got on my face.

I know someone with access to a modified maintenance machine who hangs out deep below the admin district. I'd seriously thought about having him see what he could do for me, but always ended up backing out.

I'm scared of doing something like that because no matter why I look like how I do, it's all I can remember ever looking like. Here and there Elma had said she thought she could see my memories peeking through, like when we talked about my natural disposition toward dogs or that I'd once told a Manon named Scatacca I didn't think all of Earth's religions were just big scams after we'd exposed one. Maybe I loved dogs because I owned one back on Earth, maybe I came from a religious household. But that's the thing, those situations were only ever "maybes."

All I knew for sure was my time on Mira. Slaying my first tyrant alongside Lin and Elma, battling the Ganglion and finding Tatsu hiding away. When I first piloted a skell, when I faced off with the prince of Wroth and the sheer insanity that unfolded within the Lifehold. Of Elma's encouraging words and attempts at diplomacy, Lin's delicious meals and teasing Tatsu, Lao's betrayal and his redemption.

And Irina, who I was warned from the starting gate had a cold disposition, but seemed to warm up to me pretty fast. She'd talk to me about the small stuff like getting hit on at the bar and how expensive skell insurance had gotten to be to a few quiet moments reminiscing about her father and brother back on Earth. I think I'm the first person she listened to when I told her she had to invest in some more armor now and again, that she wasn't doing any of us any favors by being the first the get knocked out when we were doing missions together.

We'd been sitting at a café I like in the commercial district on special invite from Ni Zain. He's the greatest Wrothian chef in existence, and I'm not just saying that because he was the only one. I'd helped him get his cooking career off the ground, and as a thank you he invited me to sample his new creations as he made them. Though I'd never tell her, he's almost as good as Lin.

I'd invited a few squad mates to join me in sampling his take on cheesecake, but Lin got stuck delivering instructions on the repair of skell flight modules and Elma was off on some higher-level, top secret business revolving around the Lifehold. So it was just Irina and I as Ni Zain laid slices of beautiful looking, creamy white cheesecake with blueberries in front of us.

"I hope it is favorable," Ni Zain said. "I found the concept so strange. At first I attempted mixing the shedda in with the shoko q'eik's batter. I was pleased with it myself, but told none from Earth would find it appetizing."

Irina was already looking between him and her slice. "So just to be clear, you didn't put any of that in here, right?"

"I was told to only use the kr'em shees when making the shees q'eik. I was also instructed that orange goo, the shees whis, is not for the q'eik. It is only for dipping, or to make a dish called a filly."

"Mm hm," Irina said, cutting off a little bite and examining it closely. "What about the crust?"

"I was told to use Graham's crackers. I was assured he would not mind, but I needed much convincing. The base for a delicacy such as this must surely be valuable, and if Graham does find them missing, I'm sure he will wish to duel over this theft."

At this point I was laughing as Irina rolled her eyes. "You're and Tatsu outta have a competition over who can mangle words worse." She took a bite for the cake and her eyes widened. "But damn if you can't cook with the best of them. You had any of this yet?"

"I had to see your reaction first," I said, cutting into my own cake and taking a first, wonderful bite. "It passes, Ni Zain. I don't remember cheesecake back on earth, but I'll bet you make it with the best of them."

"I am honored to have mastered another recipe," Ni Zain said, bowing before turning to depart. "And humbled by your continued praise."

I smiled to him before turning back to Irina, whose cuts were getting bigger now as she dug into the cheesecake. "Do you have any assignments to complete today?"

"Yeah, there's a Tyrant out at Biahno Lake I said I'd go kill with Gwin. I don't really feel like it, but lounging around doesn't pay for skell repairs, you know."

"Right." I took a few more bites, Irina finishing her piece by the time I asked, "How's he? How are, you know, you two?"

Irina sighed. "He's fine. Makes friends with everyone he meets, can remember when we were all kids without devolving into how much he hates somebody… Gwin's a great guy, I want him to have somebody he can share all that plucky attitude with , I just don't get why that somebody apparently had to be me."

"Well, you've known him the longest," I said.

"If anything that makes it worse. Back on Earth some guy, Wisenheimer or somebody, did this study. People who grew up around each other aren't supposed to feel that way about each other." She sighed and clutched her temple. "I'm casually dating a guy I don't feel anything for and who I know would back off the moment I really shot him down because I don't want to hurt his feelings. When the hell did my life turn into a cheesy movie?"

"Is it just you and Gwin hunting that Tyrant? Do you want me to come along?"

"Nah, don't worry about it. If you came he'd know I'm trying to introduce a third wheel and stuff." She smacked her lips a last time before she tossed her napkin onto the table. "Thanks for inviting me out here, that cake was pretty fantastic. Let's do a proper girl's mission here soon, kill something rampaging out on the plains or something, just you and me. Catch you later, Aina."

"Sounds great," I said with a wave. As soon as Irina was out of sight I sighed and leaned into one of my hands, left along to finish my cheesecake.

Elma had said that as long as she'd known me I was looking out for everyone else. I was almost never the first to attack in a Ganglion scrimmage, I always tried to reason with my teammates when they were upset, she said she wasn't sure I ever worried much about myself at all.

And that's why I couldn't tell Irina how much I really loved spending time with her. What I would have given to be in Gwin's place… well, without the worry Irina didn't really feel the same way.

I ate the remaining cream cheese off the crust and broke up "Graham's crackers" with my fork, just to amuse myself. Someone across the bustling street was shouting something, cars were passing, but I felt alone in my little café seat.

 _Guess the problem with helping save all of humanity is there isn't much room for improvement_ , I thought. The exact details of the battle of the Lifehold hadn't been released to the public. Every BLADE who fought in the battle was a hero, but that was all they knew. Not that Elma had slain the Vita or that it was the same photon saber that finished Lao slung around my waist. It was probably better that way, my reputation had already gotten me into missions I hadn't signed up for a few times.

"Joanna! Joanna!" The woman across the street was still yelling as I wet a finger and attempted to pick up the remaining crust crumbs. If I didn't eat everything, Ni Zain would want to know what he had done so wrong I hadn't cleaned my plate. Elma once had to explain to him that humans really don't eat the bone in bone-in pork chops.

Just as I was about to stand up, a hand came to my shoulder. I turned to see a young woman with golden blonde hair gasping for breath as she held me in place.

"Are you all right?" I said.

"Sorry, haven't done a lot of running since I got here," she said. As her breaths became steadier she looked up at me, as if mesmerized. "I just couldn't believe it. Joanna, don't you recognize me?"

I frowned as she stumbled into Irina's chair. "I'm sorry… I'm Joanna?"

"Yes, yes of course!" She said. "Joanna Kathleen Hoskins. You know that, don't you?"

"I… I don't think I'm who you're thinking of." I was shaking in my seat a little, unsure what to make of the situation and desperately wishing Irina was there to assert herself for me a little.

"Oh my God, I'm so… but… look, I'm really sorry about saying this, but I recognized something. That mark over your eye."

I touched the brand etched over my left eye. "You… you know about this?"

"Do you really not remember anything? Don't you even remember me?" I shook my head. "Anything about Earth? Anything?"

"I had amnesia when they found me. I haven't been able to remember anything since we landed."

"God… my name is Ashley Hoskins."

My eyes became wide and I leaned forward. "What are you—you're saying you're—"

"Cousins," she said. "We lived across the street from one another. We went to the same elementary school and had slumber parties every other weekend. Do you seriously not remember any of that?" She was frowning then, mouth hanging half-open.

I hated to tell her the truth, but I'm an awful liar, and shook my head. "I'm sorry… are you absolutely sure I'm who you think I am?"

"I know that mark," she said. "Eli Anderson, son of the billionaire Eric Anderson. It's his signature, and I know he wouldn't have put it on the face of any other mim."

"Why would he put it on me?"

"You seriously don't remember anything? It was so he could find you. You'd agreed to marry him and you two were supposed to tie the knot as soon as we landed on Mira."


	2. Chapter 2

I sat on the couch in the barracks, rubbing at my temple most of the night, Lin asking me if she could top off my tea now and again. I had to get out of that café as fast as possible after the talk of this supposed "Eli Anderson" from Earth.

"Did you at least give her a way to get ahold of you?" Lin asked. "I know you're freaked out right now, but you might regret it later if you didn't."

"I told her she could try asking specifically for me in a mission request. Maybe it will reach me or maybe General Vandham will just reprimand me for asking someone to misuse it."

Using both hands, the fuzzy, almost vegetable-like creature at my feet pulled himself up next to me on the couch. "Moustache man would not dare give trouble to dear friend of legendary heropon Tatsu."

I sighed as one of my hands fell on his head. "All right, guess I don't have to be afraid of anything then. Thanks, Tatsu."

In the midst of that there came a _pat pat pat_ sound from the main console and a brown blur leaping from the floor. The little creature, my beagle, came forward and rested his head on my lap. "You too, Sammy. Thanks."

Lin was busy cooking something, but I was hardly paying attention to what. Tatsu waddled over to her to ask what she was preparing and I'm sure she was teasing about tossing him in the pot. I sighed quietly as I kept stroking Sammy's fur, his occasional look up telling me he knew I was upset. After some time alone, there came a _ding_ from the elevator just beyond the living space. Skin white as chalk and almost glowing, Elma stepped through the elevator and took a seat on the coach across from me and let out an exacerbated sigh. "Think I might be starting to miss my mim. I'm actually feeling tired again."

"Yeah, go ahead and brag," Lin said.

"How did you two do today? Lecture go okay, Lin?"

"I think so. All the new engineers have it easy, all the hard work of figuring everything out was done for them."

Elma smiled and nodded. "Well, whatever keeps those flight modules on our skells. We're going to need them for a long time to come." She turned to me as I sat silently, head hanging a little. "Aina? Are you all right?"

I looked back to Lin, who gave a smile of support over her boiling pan and then down at Sammy as he licked my hand. "I met someone today. Out at the café, after that sampling I was telling you about. There was a woman named Ashley. She said she knew me… before."

Elma's shimmering, purple eyes widened. "Really? I can hardly believe it. I mean, NLA's a big city, but with how much we're out and around I'd have thought we'd have gotten a clue months ago."

"She said her name was Ashley Hoskins. That back on Earth, my name was Joanna Hoskins and that she's my cousin."

Elma didn't say anything at first. She seemed to be examining me, I realized when I looked up, eyeing me up and down. "I thought it would be good news when something like this happened. But you don't seem happy about it at all."

Sammy perked up and yawned. I turned again to Lin, biting my lip, which she saw as an invite in. "Well, she hasn't told you the really crazy part yet."

"There's someone here… a man, named Eli Anderson—"

Elma's eyes jumped again at that. "Eli Anderson? Son of Eric Anderson?"

"You know him?" I asked.

"I know his father. I was there when the Director General and Nagi approached his company about helping to produce mimeosomes. He loved his son, said he had all the prowess to be a perfect candidate aboard the White Whale." Elma swallowed and looked down. "You all know, by now, that the process wasn't exactly as unbiased as we'd originally said… I'm sorry, what about Eli now?"

"He knew me back on Earth too." I touched the spot overlapping my eye. "He was the one who put this on me. Because we're supposed to get married."

Elma crossed her arms as she leaned back. Sammy hopped off from his spot next to me and went to investigate her. "That's the reason for the mark? That seems… unusual. I mean, it's not like was could have known you'd lose your memory after we crashed here. If you two were supposed to be married, I'd think he'd just expect you would find him."

"… Huh, guess I hadn't really thought about that," Lin said. "That's a good point."

"Even aside from that, there are plenty of other things to consider." Elma reached down and began to scratch Sammy behind his ears. "Did seeing and talking to Ashley feel like it did anything for your memory? Did anything seem familiar about her at all?"

I sighed and shook my head. "No. If she hadn't recognized me I never would have noticed her at all."

"In that case, you're really not in any position to run off any marry a man you don't have any memory of." I was about to sigh in relief at the idea of someone affirming my thoughts on the matter, but then Elma continued. "I would, however, suggest you meet with Eli Anderson… he is in NLA, right? His consciousness isn't still held in the Lifehold?"

"From the sounds of things with Ashley, he is here," I said.

"Then even if Ashley didn't jog your memory, meeting him might. But even beyond that, you'd probably benefit from knowing the kind of person who would put a brand on your face."

"Man, Elma, you really seem to dislike this guy already," Lin said.

"I'm just saying this whole situation seems suspicious… and I'm saying I know you, Aina."

Simultaneously, I tapped the couch and looked away, finding Sammy beside me again as I avoided Elma's attention. "What are you referring to?"

"I've known you for as long as you've known yourself. I found you in that pod when you crashed onto Mira. The Ganglion's personal attack on NLA, staring down that girl and her giant companion, was the only time I've ever seen you so angry I had to command you to lower your weapon."

Indeed, as I was sometimes reminded, that battle was not my proudest moment.

"Any BLADE operative seeking an example, any citizen out in NLA with a grievance, any xenomorph looking for asylum away from the Ganglion, you have always been the first to step forward. You like to do things for others, you want to make other people happy. I'm just warning you that you should be careful about trying to be too generous with something like this."

I looked down, squeezing my knees as I thought on what she said. "I know. I know you're right."

From nowhere I felt two arms wrap around my neck, followed by Lin resting her chin atop my head. "Okay, seriously, cheer up now. Elma just went on and on about how great you are, and we all know she's right. Yeah, you should be careful, but she only has to tell you because you're so caring and so awesome."

I shut my eyes and smile for a moment, leaning back in my seat. "Thanks you guys. I really needed to hear all that."

"Okay, now come on," Lin said, standing up straight and clapping her hands. "I've made French onion soup and baked my own baguette. Let's worry about your maybe-fiancé later and worry about eating now."


	3. Chapter 3

I thought I'd at least manage a day to myself to rest on the issue, but life had other plans. At just past eight in the morning there was a pounding on my bedroom door. Our individual rooms in the barracks contained only a single bed, desk and chair for documenting if it was necessary. Sammy sleeps at my feet, the bed hardly big enough for the two of us, but I'm not in the room much besides when I'm asleep.

Every bed is plugged into the wall and flowing with electricity, allowing our mims to charge while we lay down. Lin has told me our minds actually are asleep at that time and do need about as much rest as our real bodies did. Lin and Elma agree sleep feels different in a mimeosome, and though I don't remember sleeping before, I think I'd agree with them.

With a yawn I stretched as the knocking continued. With a call of, "Just a minute," I rose, blanket still draped around me, and answered the door. Standing on the other side was the great, muscly figure of General Jack Vandham. "Yes… sir. Yes sir?"

"Still tired, huh?" Vandham pointed toward my transmitter, sitting on the desk. "I forwarded an assignment from Mission Control asking for you specifically to your list. Whoever wrote the thing clearly had no idea what she was doing."

I sighed, "Thank you. Is that all?"

"Per policy I'm supposed to be here to lecture you that the Mission Control panel is not for personal favors, that requests like this clog up the queue for other BLADEs and warn you there might be disciplinary action for doing it again… but considering we both know you were part of the team that saved us all from extinction back in the Lifehold Core, I'm willing to let this one go."

I cracked half a smile and looked up at his harsh, moustached face, reminded of the good, kind man concealed underneath. "Thank you, General."

When he had left, I sat on the side of the bed, one hand scratching at Sammy's back, the other scrolling through my personalized request. He was right, Ashley clearly hadn't ever made a request before, the grammar and two apologies making it evident she hadn't done much planning. Still, the call was there, asking me to meet here at the Mimeosome Maintenance Center, and that we'd be meeting Eli in his office on the twelfth floor.

I stepped into the shared space, Elma in her usual spot at the briefing table, typing something and Gwin on one of the couches, scrolling through information on his transmitter.

Gwin looked up and smiled, brushing the light brown hair from the left side of his face. "Morning, Aina. You and Sammy sleep okay?"

"Well, I was. Been kind of a stressful day. What about you?"

"We took out Candelario yesterday. I know I'm the resident animal guy, both those spider-things creep me out. But anyway, what's wrong? Irina didn't mention anything while we were out."

"It was right after she left. It's… I don't know. Complicated."

"All right, well, if you need to talk it out, you always know where to find me."

I gave him half a smile. "Thanks, Gwin. I know." With that he rose and bid us both a good day, saying he'd say hi to Irina for me. Almost mindlessly, I slipped out my transmitter again and sighed as I gave the message another scroll.

Elma stepped toward my spot. "Any new developments?"

"Looks like Ashley figured out how to make a request. She wants me to come over to the maintenance building and meet with her… and him."

Elma took all-too common stance of standing straight and crossing her arms, the crease in her eyes hinting at frustration. "Your supposed cousin and this man really aren't being very considerate of your situation."

"I know… but I don't think I can ignore this."

Elma took a seat next to me, scanning me up and down. "Is there something you haven't told me?"

I sighed and rubbed against my temple. I knew my real mind was far away and I couldn't hope to soothe it, but I get something out of the illusion. "I don't know. I got so used to not knowing I didn't think I cared any more. But maybe, deep down, I do want to know. I'm just… scared?"

Elma put a hand on my shoulder. "At ease, soldier. It's not as if it doesn't happen to all of us."

I laughed so quietly I didn't think she'd hear me. "I've never felt like this before. I thought fear was what I felt when we fought the Ganglion, but it's nothing like this."

"Fear comes in all kinds of forms and shapes. But you know something that helps to quell those concerns?" I looked toward her and she gave me a single pat on the back. "Your squad. I'm coming with you to meet this man."

"I don't think Ashley and him would like you showing up uninvited."

"Well then she shouldn't have put her request in through Mission Control. That makes it an official assignment and means you can bring along whoever you need to accomplish the task at hand."

I looked to her and, with another moment of hesitation, nodded. Since the beginning, standing beside me has always been Elma's nature. If I was going to have a shot at making it through this, she was probably my best resource.

Around noon that day we made our short walk from the barracks towards maintenance. For the most part, the BLADES up in admin seem to have quietly accepted Elma's radical change in appearance from a few months ago. I'd heard some rumors from civilians that she'd had her mim altered, but I think most of the military had accepted the truth as an open secret. Elma was, after all, one of the most celebrated and decorated warriors on Mira, and NLA had become a giant asylum for peaceful xenoforms. At least that's why I'd like to believe most everyone kept quiet about it.

Elma pushed open the doors to the Mimeosome Maintenance Center, revealing a great and open central hub, a dozen doors leading off to different research labs and an elevator in the center. Off to the left there were a set of chairs and two vending machines. An employee or two stepped from one door to another as we approached the sole member of permanent staff, a man with a buzz cut and moustache off to our right.

He didn't look up as we approached him. "Names?"

"Elma and Aina," Elma said.

"Divisions?"

"Reclaimer and Curator." Elma continued. I decided to just let her handle it.

"Purpose of your visit?"

"By special request to meet with Eli Anderson."

The clicking of the man entering our information paused as he frowned and looked up at us. "That's… unusual. You don't mind if I call him and confirm that, do you?"

"Go ahead."

The receptionist brought his phone to his ear and dialed an extension. It was a few seconds before he spoke again. "Mister Anderson? Yeah, I've got two women here to see you. By special request, they say. Said their names were Elma and Aina… Hm? I see…" he put a hand over the receiver and turned to us again. "Mister Anderson doesn't recognize those names. Are there any others he might know you by?"

A tiny shudder ran through my body before I answered, knowing facing the tiny bits I knew were the only way of moving forward. "Tell him… tell him it's Joanna Hoskins."

"One of them says you might know the name Joanna Hoskins… okay, sounds good." He hung up the phone. "He's sending down someone to escort you. You can take a seat over there."

The wait was agonizing, though it didn't last more than five minutes, I'm sure. Five minutes shifting in my seat, fingers twitching and curling hair with my fingers. Finally, the elevator gave a _Ding_ and, to my continued unease, Ashley stepped out with a big smile on her face.

"It worked! I can't believe I got that thing to actually work!"

It was off-putting for me to feel so nervous at the same time she seemed so happy, it was the mess back at the café all over again. I struggled to smile as she walked over and I rose. "Hi again, Ashley. I brought a friend with me, I hope you don't mind."

Ashley's warm smile dissipated a bit when she got a look at Elma, and I think she was trying as hard as she could to not ask why she looked the way she did. "I… um… hello there—"

"Elma," she said, extending a hand.

I don't like seeing anyone else in pain, but Elma's appearance throwing Ashley off of her otherwise chipper attitude was kind of comforting. With a moment of hesitation, Ashley took it. "Ashley Hoskins… I hope you don't mind, Miss Elma, but this is kind of a personal affair. Eli was really hoping we'd just be discussing this as a family."

"Your cousin told me about the situation, and I just think it would be beneficial if I came along," Elma said. "Her memories still aren't all in one piece yet and I've spent more time with her since we landed on Mira than anyone else. I'm sure I can be helpful in this situation."

Ashley bit her lower lip as she looked between Elma and I a few times before she sighed and said, "I know you're probably right. You can come, if you insist."

The three of us walked to the elevator and began our ascent. I leaned over to Elma and quietly said, "Thank you." The elevator was large and had an odd, orange glow to it, contrasting the largely blue aesthetic of a lot of NLA. The journey lasted only a few minutes before we stepped onto the twelfth floor. Here the ceiling was tall, dozens of men and women exchanging thoughts around tables littered with mechanical limbs. It was always unsettling to be reminded of exactly what we were here on Mira.

Ashley led us directly to the right, away from the research teams and scientists toward what looked to be the only other door on the floor. There it was, looking me in the face. "Eli Anderson, CEO."

"CEO?" Elma frowned. "I thought Eli's father was the CEO."

"Oh, that?" A tiny shudder seemed to run through Ashley as she scanned her key card and opened the door. "Maybe it's better he tell you himself." With that she held the door and, unable to fight any longer, I stepped through first.

At the end of the large, four-windowed room, he sat behind a desk of mahogany. Judging by his appearance in the chair, he was probably of average height, had a slicked back head of orange hair, glasses and a mark, identical to mine, on the right side of his face.

Something overwhelmed me in the moment, as he looked up and the smile came to his face. I don't know what, the receiving end of empathy, maybe? I'd had that mark since we landed on Mira and I'd always thought it was mine alone. Something felt almost amazing about seeing it.

The way he moved suggested he had more tact than Ashley, moving toward me slowly, though unable to contain the great smile he sported. He came to a respectable closeness and met me in the eyes. He looked almost as if he was about to cry.

"Joanna, is it really you?"

For a moment, it was as if my mind was a glass. And he had shattered it.

My next breath was fast and deep, my internals accelerating like the first time we'd encountered the Prone. I was afraid.

Very, very afraid. There was nothing inherently threatening about his voice. He sounded perhaps just a little high pitched and a touch nasally. But all the warmth in his look was overwhelmed by a blizzard when he first spoke.

"Joanna?"

"Aina!"

I hadn't even realized I'd blacked out for a moment there, only returning when Elma called my name. I shook and held my head, struggling to piece myself back together. "I'm sorry, I don't know what just happened."

My guard was up before Eli spoke again, so when he said, "Are you all right?" I didn't completely crumble again.

"Let's sit you down," Elma said. "Whatever it was, you're not looking well."

"I guess it was a good thing you're already in maintenance," Ashely said as Elma led me into the chair across from Eli's desk. I didn't remember illness or stomach pain, but something about how I felt was unnervingly familiar.

"Maybe you're malfunctioning," Elma said. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea right now." It was subtle, but I could recognize something in Elma's tone. She was using her negotiation voice, saying whatever would be the most beneficial in the moment. I knew the Colonel, I was sure she noticed it was his voice that affected me.

Still I shook my head. "No, no I'm fine. I'll be fine. I want to talk."

The whole room was unsure of what to make of this, no one saying anything at first. As a minute or two passed, Eli took a seat on his desk and looked down to me. "Well, if you're sure, then I'm glad. We have a lot I was hoping to talk about."

I was reminded of my first journey into Cauldros. Lava couldn't destroy our mims and they were designed to recover quickly after exposure. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Between his words, I always recovered quickly. But that didn't mean they didn't hurt.


	4. Chapter 4

Even when the matters at hand concerned me, I was always more comfortable letting someone else speak for me. Elma was right, she really did know me better than anyone at that point, maybe even myself. Despite the quiet way I could tell she was watching every move in the room, she and Eli shook hands.

"Colonel Elma."

"I apologize I didn't recognize your name when it was mentioned over the phone," Eli said. "I don't think we've ever met, but my father always spoke highly of the great Colonel Elma."

"And he spoke highly of you as well," Elma said. "I was surprised to see your name on this office door. Is he well?"

"Oh dear, no. It's well… it's perhaps conversation for another time. Why don't we all sit?"

Elma took the chair next to mine, Ashley at to the side and Eli remained behind his desk. "So," he said, "How in the world did you come into contact with my Joanna?"

I was starting to get control of the spasms when I heard him speak, but my head still hurt horribly. It didn't make any sense, nothing else about him troubled me, I'd even been comforted when I first saw the mark on his right side.

"The details still aren't clear, but I found her pod a few miles outside of NLA in Starfall Basin. She didn't remember anything, even her own name."

"What have you been calling her this whole time?" Eli frowned when he asked and adjusted his glasses and looked toward me. "Actually, I should probably ask you myself. I'm sorry, Jo, I just know you had that malfunction a moment ago."

"No, no it's fine," I said, rubbing my forehead. "I have another friend with BLADE, she suggested everyone call me Aina."

Eli's look hardened a little. "Another friend with BLADE? How many friends do you have with BLADE?"

"I've been with them since Elma found me," I said.

Both Eli and Ashley's eyes went wide at this before Eli turned toward Elma slowly. "Why in God's name is my amnesiac fiancé serving with NLA's military?"

"We didn't have anything to go off of," Elma said. "The journey from Starfall was lined with indigens. I was carrying some spare weaponry in case a case like hers' happened. We had to fight our way back here."

"That's all well and good for a journey back from the fields, but why would you have her go back?" Every word out of Eli's mouth seemed to get sharper.

"She proved herself well on the battlefield." Elma wasn't giving him anything, her tone still cool and collected as she looked between him and me. "We offered her a chance to serve beside us. She made that choice herself—"

"I'd hardly consider a woman who couldn't even remember her own name to be in any shape to be making a life-changing decision like that. For God's sake, woman, my father was killed when those damn things attacked the city!"

I flinched, both from the damage his voice continued to deal and the meaning behind his words. "I'm so sorry," I said.

"I guess that explains a few things," Elma said. "You have my condolences as well. He was a good man. I don't know if it is of any conciliation to you, but we were both there, fighting off the Ganglion and protecting as many people as we could."

After permitting Eli and Elma those sentences, it was then Ashley reminded us she was sitting nearby. "So what, you've had her fighting those monstrosities outside the city? I know my cousin, she was never a fighter. She could never hurt a fly."

I looked to her swiftly. It felt like something inside me had just come alive. "I wouldn't?"

"Don't tell me you can't even remember that," Ashley said. "You refused to dissect a fetal pig back in our biology class. It was already dead and you still couldn't cut it open."

I couldn't remember any of that. I couldn't remember biology class or school or pigs or any of what Ashley had just described. And it wasn't as if I was a pacifist. Hunting tyrants is, after all, in the description for Curators, and who knows how many Prone I'd slain during the war.

But if I could manage, I didn't fight. I avoided fights with the indigenes as long as they weren't threatening other BLADEs or their environments. I hadn't said anything about my work with BLADE to Ashley the other day. For the first time since I had awoken on Mira, someone knew something about me without my telling them. At least, something other than my reputation.

In my moments of thought on this, I faded out of the conversation, but could soon hear them all talking again.

"Aina wasn't coerced into doing anything," Elma said. "After I saw her prowess, she was offered the opportunity to join BLADE. After some quiet reflection, she decided to join us. It was her choice, and she has been an asset to the war with the Ganglion ever since."

"If my fiancé has proved such an asset to you," Eli said, "Then I think she has more than earned the right to come and be away with her family. Especially considering that would give BLADE one more soldier than it had ever been prepping for in the first place."

My response was instinctual. I regretted my word choice nearly as fast as it came out of my mouth, but there was no masking it. "They are my family."

Ashley and Eli both flinched at this, Ashley's mouth in particular slipping open in disbelief. Eli slipped off his glasses and rubbed his forehead. Ashley looked away, as if I had made myself too difficult to face.

I immediately attempted to backtrack. "I mean… I can't remember anything else. The people with BLADE have been with me as long as I've been on Mira. They've fought next to me, they've protected me. They've—"

"You can't remember anything?" I don't know what I heard in that already-cutting voice of Eli's, if it was pain or bitterness or both, but I shook my head.

"There has to be something," Ashley's voice grew seemingly more frantic. "She can remember things, we just had to give her a chance to. There has to be something. Those family trips we took to the redwoods in the summer every year?"

"I… I'm sorry," I said. "No."

"My dad taking us out to that cabin in Yosemite? Christmas at Grandma's? I don't know, Cammy? That dog I was allergic to?"

In my head, I flinched again. "Cammy? I had a dog named Cammy?"

"He was mutt, a spaniel-beagle mix or something… are you seriously telling me you remember her more than the other stuff I've told you?"

"She really did love that dog," Eli said with half of a smile. "She once told me you couldn't come over to her house for over a year because of her before you'd gotten all your shots."

Elma was watching me intently now with those violet eyes. "Even I know that sounds familiar."

"Then let's try this," Eli said. :The Seventy-Fourth Humboldt Arts and Music Festival. Do you remember that?"

I'd opened my mouth to respond, but couldn't come up with anything to say when a million thoughts hit me at once.

Dozens of little white tents set up as if it was a Nopon caravan, surrounded by hundreds of trees that would easily be dwarfed by the ones in Noctilum. Hundreds of paintings in dazzling colors of everything from beautiful landscapes to monsters like I'd seen in the darkest depths we'd ventured to. Reds like blood, reds like fire, even reds like water, some way I didn't even understand. And music. A thousand strums at guitars, a million beats at the drum. Rock, blues, classical. Belly dancers, people in silly costumes, a sign with "Free hugs" written on it.

And a lanky redhead in glasses leading me from place to place.

"Twenty-fifty." I said, so quietly I wasn't sure anyone could hear me.

"What did you say?" Elma asked.

"Twenty-fifty. I was nineteen years old. The sights, the music… I can remember it."

The room went silent, the images and music still buzzing around in my head and making it difficult to concentrate for well over a minute. When things started to return to focus, Elma spoke first. "You can actually remember something that clearly?"

I don't know how to describe the smile that came across Eli's face, I think the word would have to be, "full." It extended past his lips, up into his cheeks and eyes.

When the day started, I didn't think anything could possibly have come of this. We'd only ever had guesses before, best estimations were all we could come to. And now these two, with no knowledge of what had happened since I landed on Mira, knew about me. I had been so ready for the whole situation to just be a mistake that the thought it could be real excited and terrified me all at once.

"Please," Ashley said. "Can't you see we're getting through to her? Maybe she just needs us to remind her of what Earth was. How is it fair to keep her away from that?"

Elma took a deep breath and a long sigh before she looked at the two again. She was once more in full negotiation-mode when she spoke. "I understand that both of you are in a very impassioned place right now. Someone you might have thought was gone forever just appeared again. But before we could even consider the idea of Aina, or Joanna, whatever she wants us to call her, separating from BLADE, she would have to take that first step and express it for herself."

"We've already established she's suffering from memory loss," Ashley said. "We can help her piece the rest back together."

"I've gotten to know your cousin very well since I first found her," Elma said. "Neither me nor any of the rest of BLADE has ever thought anything less of her because she couldn't remember Earth. I know your heart is in the right place, but I don't think it's fair to expect your cousin to drop everything for a life we have barely scratched the surface of than it would be for me to suddenly ask you to join BLADE."

"What, would I just have to lose my memory first—"

"Settle down, Ashley." Eli's voice seemed to have an inverse effect on her, seemingly quenching the fire that burned inside at his command. "I hate to admit it, but I think the Colonel may be correct… we can't just sit here and recite life events and think everything will fall into place. One step at a time, that's how we have to do it."

Ashley looked as if she was going to object, but after a few seconds, looked to have calmed. At least somewhat.

"I just need some time to process all this," I said with some struggle. "I just need some time to process this."

A last few thoughts were exchanged as Ashley and Eli both gave me where I could find them in the residential district. Eli seemed more open about my space. Ashley pled I talk to her again soon. I sighed in exhaustion when Elma and I arrived at the elevator again.

"I'm not going to say your cousin was entirely appropriate or sensitive to your situation," Elma said, leaning against the wall as the doors shut. "But I think it's clear she cares about you very deeply."

"I know," I said.

"I think Eli seemed like a good man as well… but I saw how you crumbled when you first heard him speak."

"Not much gets past you."

"How do you feel about him?"

"If it wasn't for his voice, I might be all right." As I spoke, the elevator gave a _ding_ and we stepped out onto the first floor again. "But something about it… it made me uncomfortable. More than that, actually. It made me scared."

"That's unusual. I've never seen anything quite like that. We'll have to look deeper into that." As we walked toward the exit, she held the door for me. "I want you to tell me something."

"Yes?"

"Do you, or have you, ever believed what they said. About how you joined BLADE. Have you ever felt like we took advantage of you?"

I didn't even have to think about it. "No. I knew as soon as you saved me, it was the least I owed you. By the time I felt like I paid you back, I didn't want to leave."

"I just worry, sometimes," Elma said. "That you didn't deserve to have more options given to you. We never suggested just finding you work out in the commercial district or water purification or anything like that… did you really mean what you did say?"

"Which part?"

"That you consider BLADE to be your family?"

"I never could have made it here without you and Lin, Irina, Tatsu, Gwin and Doug and L and everyone else. Whatever comes back, nothing changes that."

"I'm glad to hear that."

When we came to the Mission Control panel, I said, "Wait," and pulled up the assignments being offered. A few minutes later I joined Elma again. "Sorry about that."

"Find anything interesting?"

"Jordanna the Abdicated, according to the request," I said. "Supposedly causing trouble in East Sylvalum. I've been meaning to go out on an assignment with Irina soon."

"Good. I wouldn't say it to most people, but you obviously need a break from your relatives right now."


End file.
